Retreat

Retreat: Yes, I went on a women's retreat last weekend, but I'm not talking about that retreat in this post (I hope to post about that another time though).

I'm talking about a personal retreat.  I'm longing for one.  I need one.  I'm desperate for one.  This past week has got me thinking about many, many things.  Assessing my life and realising how ridiculously busy it is.  Realising the unrealistic expectations I've placed on myself.  And realising that I don't think I actually know who I am anymore.  I have no doubt about my role as a wife and a mother, but beyond that, I've been thinking a lot about who I actually am as a person.  Who I really am and assessing why I do the things I do.

I want to go away for at least 24 hours and spend time in prayer, meditation, devotion and answer some tough questions I've asked myself.  This morning when I woke up (well, when I got woken up by darling Little Spring - no sleep in for me!), I started to write down all the questions I want to answer... 4 A4 pages worth of questions.  I'm now in the process of trying to track down some sort of resource that will help guide me through all these thoughts swirling around in my head.  If you've ever come across any sort of 'personal retreat' resource that you can recommend, I would really appreciate you passing this information on to me.  My focus really is "who am I".  I need God's guidance through this, but if you have any suggestions for resources, specific bible readings for me to mediate through, etc. that would be super helpful!

(image credit: taken by my Aunty Ellen)

Not Recommended

I don't recommend attempting the following:

In one same week:

• starting a major diet/exercise regime (12WBT) AND
• having your husband overseas AND
• having a job that is new in itself, so getting ready in the morning is still 'interesting' AND
• having to get your daughter ready for day care for the first time (when your husband normally does that) each morning, whilst trying to get yourself ready, and deal with her separation anxiety AND
• starting that week with a weekend away at a women's retreat, so you're already behind before you've even started your week

Nope, totally don't recommend it!

Yep, totally experienced it!  How did I 'survive' (I've put that in inverted commas, because because I don't feel I really survived it, but I'm here on the other side, still breathing, so there is some element of survival):

• being kind to myself, first by stopping the exercises.  I forced myself to do exercises on Monday, even though, after a very long day, I really didn't want to.   I decided on Tuesday that exercise wasn't going to actually help me this week: just stress me out, make me feel guilty if I didn't do it and take up precious time that I didn't have much spare of.  I'm not saying that exercise isn't important, but I am saying you have to realistic.  Even Michelle Bridges acknowledges in her preseason tasks - "external excuses outside of your control".  While sticking to just the diet aspect of the program, from the Monday morning weigh to the Wednesday morning weigh in, I'd lost an amazing 1.3kg!  By the end of the week, however, even trying to stick to the menu plan was stressing me.  With so many extra factors lumped on my life this passed week, not having flexibility with what I was eating was having me stressed.  Where possible, I tried to move the menu items around to fit how energetic I was, therefore, what meal preparation would suit.  A kind friend that I debriefed with yesterday had wonderful words of wisdom to share with me.  Be kind to myself.  It's okay if I don't stick to the program.  My expectations of myself were too high and I needed to drop them.  As long as I make sensible food choices, it doesn't matter if I don't stick to the plan.  What a weight off (pun not intended!).
• there's not much I could do about Big Spring being overseas, but obviously if we'd realised everything that was going to happen this week and how it all fell together (or fell apart!), then a few months ago, we might have reconsidered agreeing he should go to the States for a conference (the 20-20 vision of hindsight is amazingly clear!).  However, having WiFi/internet available, has been a blessing to talk to him for free and the invention of Skype is so amazing.  Every night Little Spring and I chatted with Big Spring and we had our nightly bedtime routine, including blessings and prayers together.  Such commitment from Big Spring to do this though: he had to get up at 5am to match Little Spring's bedtime.  And he's not a morning person!
• again, there's not really a lot I could have done about my new job.  If we'd realised how big a week this was going to be, perhaps we would have reconsidered me accepting the position, but for just such a short period, it doesn't seem a very realistic way of making that decision.  We maybe could have deferred my start date for a further few weeks, but I don't think that would have been very realistic for my employers.
• in regards to getting Little Spring ready in the morning, it was a matter of getting as much ready the night before, which was quite difficult at the end of an already long day!  I had teed up with work, however, that I'd be getting into work late while Big Spring is overseas, so it took the pressure off getting out the door on time.  Addressing Little Spring's separation anxiety has been stressful and emotional.  It's unfortunate that we were dealing with it in this particular week, but no matter when she started day care, we'd have to deal with this and push through.
• I could have cancelled the retreat, but it was something I was really looking forward to and, although it had me starting my week on the back foot, I was SO glad to have gone... I really appreciated the bible study and it was wonderful to bond more deeply with some beautiful women from the church.  I had so much fun!